First Loves:  Vol 1
by CelticX
Summary: What!  No Tsutako!  A short, one-shot, first-person look at Sei Satou from first-year to Yumi.  More information in the intro.  Please R&R and enjoy.


I really don't know what I am doing here.

I look around me and all I see are the bright, cheery faces of "maidens"; girls so pure, chaste, and naïve that they may as well be toddlers. They go about their lives believing that their days will always be sunny, even during the rainy season. They are protected by their families, by their friends, and by this very institution as if to ensure that none of the harsh realities of life will ever have the opportunity to intrude upon their idyllic lives. They are so sure that the Lord's love will shine on them and that all of their hopes and dreams will come true, just like in the fairy tales.

I, however, am not one of them nor have I ever been.

I was always the rebellious one, the one that didn't fit in. I am the square peg that refused to fit into the round hole. I am the cold wind that blows through the gaps in the windows in the dead of winter. I am the duck among the swans. I am the lone wolf among the herds of sheep that are the students of Lillian Girl's Academy.

So when I see all of these pretty, happy, maidenly faces that surround me, I can't help but wonder what I am doing here. I don't belong here. I am different.

Please don't get me wrong. I am certainly pretty enough with my long blonde hair and my grey eyes. I'm relatively tall and shapely although you couldn't tell it under this dark, straight line school uniform. How something can be designed to completely hide the female form and yet not look baggy is beyond me. Some say that I look more American than Japanese. I am always being asked if I am a foreigner. Well, I guess in some ways I am a foreigner. I certainly feel like an alien among my fellow students.

I walk the halls and paths of this institution alone. I do receive the occasional "Gokigenyou" from other students having met at least a few people in my ten years of incarceration, but I rarely respond. Most consider me cold and aloof. I have been labeled "loner", "anti-social", and even "cool". One girl called me "bitch" once. I've liked her ever since although we never speak.

I wake up each day in my school sponsored apartment, take a shower and change into my uniform. I fix and eat a light breakfast, clean and dry the dishes, gather my books and papers, put on my coat and head out the door. I make the short walk to school and head directly to my classroom. Every other student stops in front of the statue of Maria-sama to say a prayer before they continue on. I don't bother. Maria-sama never watched over me before so why should I bother to speak to her now. I am anathema to her.

Once in class I take my seat and get ready for the day's lessons. I have my homework ready to turn in, my paper and pencils ready to take notes and my book open to the proper page. I stand and bow when the teacher walks in and I dutifully attend to the class work. At lunch I head over to the Milk Hall and buy a hot lunch. I take it to my usual table off in the corner and eat by myself in peace, usually reading up on the notes or lessons for the next class. After lunch I head back to class and finish out the day making sure that I have the night's homework assignments.

When class is over I head back to my apartment and quickly finish my homework and study everything that we went over in class that day and prepare for the next day. I usually fix myself a hot dinner then take a shower and get ready for bed. On weekends I might head out after finishing my homework to eat out and maybe catch a movie or stop by the bookstore to see if there are any new shoujo manga or light novels out. Some of those "romance" novels can really make me laugh. For some reason I am drawn more towards the yuri and shoujo ai genre.

Having been at Lillian since the beginning of kindergarten, of course I am aware of the Soeur System that has been implemented in the high school division. I have watched any number of my classmates become petite soeurs to upper classmen throughout this first year. I keep thinking of those yuri mangas when I see these girls getting together. I keep wondering if they really are simply acting as big sisters or if they are trying to become something more. Not that it matters to me. I've always suspected that I would lean more towards lesbianism than heterosexuality if I ever decided to take a lover, but I have never gotten close enough to anyone to even consider the matter as more than a theoretical exercise.

So when the current Rosa Gigantea en Bouton comes up to me towards the end of my first year and asks me to be her petite soeur I of course ask her why. I'm not overly suspicious of her intentions, just curious. When she says that she simply likes my face, it is an honest enough answer that I accept her rosary. She never actually tries to make any moves on me, just wants me to help her out with her duties at the Rose Mansion, the home of the Yamayurikai. (The formal name for the student council has not escaped me. I think it's hilarious.) She keeps trying to get me to interact with the other members of the council, but I usually just do my duties, sit through the meetings, and head home when it's all over.

The only other member of the Yamayurikai that I know is Eriko Torii. I've been in many classes with her since we first met in kindergarten. We actually had a fight in kindergarten when she called me a foreigner. I said that she had a large forehead and we ended up rolling around on the ground with fists flying. She is actually one of the few girls at the school that I respect. She has no problem standing up for herself and seems to know exactly what she wants although she seems to be easily bored.

The other Bouton on the council is Youko Mizuno. Like my onee-sama, she is always trying to get me more involved in the goings on of the Yamayurikai and to open up more. It seems like she keeps trying to be my friend, but I just don't have enough experience in that area to be able to tell, so I just mostly ignore her advances. It's not that I don't like her; I just don't understand what she wants from me. The one thing that really bothers me about Youko is that she seems to be able to look right through me. The first time she looked at me it was as if she could see straight through to my scarred soul. I'm not sure exactly what she saw, but at least she didn't reject me.

Not a whole lot changes when I start my second year at Lillian. My onee-sama is now the Rosa Gigantea and I become the Rosa Gigantea en Bouton, but she still doesn't demand a whole lot of me. I continue to perform my duties for the Yamayurikai but otherwise my life is pretty much the same. And then one day, after stupidly arriving at school an hour early, I decide to rest a while in the quiet of the school's Chapel. Not really caring about the sanctity of the place, I figure I will lay down on one of the pews and kick my feet up until it's time to head to class. At least I won't be accosted by my fellow council members for napping in the Rose Mansion.

I open the door and slip inside. I have always liked the feel of this chapel. Despite my feelings regarding Maria-sama and the whole Christian thing, the chapel has always seemed to bring me a sense of peace. It's like being wrapped up in the arms of my mother once again; a feeling that I haven't felt in a long time. I lay down along one of the back pews, away from the central aisle where it's darker. I must have fallen asleep because I start awake when I suddenly hear a sound. I jump up and behold the face of an angel. The morning light through the stained glass window halos around her and my heart stops in my chest, my breath is caught in my lungs, and I can only stare at this vision of beauty before me.

Her name is Shiori and she is everything I have ever wanted in a woman, in a friend, in a lover, in a soul mate. She completes me. It is the first time since my mother died that I have felt love from another soul. It is the first time since I came to this institution that I have offered love to anyone else. I feel my heart melting. I feel tender and, in return, I receive tenderness. I feel joy and for the first time in many years I feel like laughing. I can finally understand the feelings that those shoujo mangas were trying to convey to me for all those years. They are no longer funny, but suddenly become very poignant.

We do everything together. We eat together, we laugh together, we study together, we run through the rain hand-in-hand, and we simply experience the pure happiness of being together. Eventually, we sleep together.

_It starts off tentatively; full of false starts and giggles. Our kisses are a soft sharing of breath, a gentle touch of lips, and a sweet exploration of tongues. We explore each other's bodies slowly and gently, our fingers tracing brief lines of sensation that starts a tingling in the skin, raising goose bumps along arms, sides and legs. A feather's touch of a tongue along a jaw line or collar bone brings moans and gasps. A kiss or lick to a nipple causes the body to tremble and shiver. When fingers begin to explore the depths of our femininity our bodies are wracked with shudders and our moans grow deeper, our breath coming shorter with the pleasure we give to each other. When we finally climax, it is together and it is exquisite. We scream our love for each other and ride the tide of sensations and emotions, writhing in ecstasy. It is the greatest feeling I have ever felt; not the orgasm, but the joining of our bodies, minds and souls into one brief and pure explosion of light. We gather each other in our arms, melding our bodies together into a single whole. We fall asleep to the sound of each other's gentle, contented breathing._

If possible we become even closer. We go everywhere together except to class . . . and to the Rose Mansion. My onee-sama still demands that I attend the meetings, at least a few of them. I still do my Yamayurikai chores when it is required of me, but I begrudge every minute away from Shiori.

My onee-sama asks me why I have not brought Shiori to the Rose Mansion to meet them or offered her my rosary and made her my petite soeur. I can't tell her that I could never think of Shiori as a little sister; that I don't think that our relationship could ever be circumscribed by anything like the Soeur System.

Youko seems concerned for me. She never says anything, but I can see it in her eyes that she is worried. I have no idea why she would even care about me let alone worry for me. For the first time in my life I am happy and in love. Whatever is there to worry about?

Youko grabs me one day as I am leaving the Rose Mansion. I assume she wants to lecture me about my closeness to Shiori again. She has done so once already although I have no idea why she would care. As expected, she asks me again to rethink my relationship with Shiori. When I ask why she says it is because she doesn't want to see me get hurt. I can't understand that. Here I am, in love for the first time in my life, truly happy for the first time in my life, finally starting to actually _like_ people again, and she says that she is afraid I'll get hurt. How am I supposed to understand that?

She asks me if Shiori and I have ever discussed what we intend to do when we graduate. I must have had a dumb look on my face, because she starts cussing and asking how I can't know about Shiori's future plans; how she intends to enter a convent as soon as she graduates from high school. I can't believe it. I _won't_ believe it. I call her a liar and run away looking for Shiori so that she can refute all that Youko has told me.

Unfortunately, when I find her in the Chapel, she stays silent. She can't bring herself to say what she knows will surely destroy me. It doesn't matter. Her silence does it for her. I can feel my heart breaking. I try to go to her, to hold her, to take her into my arms again, but she pushes me away. She has the audacity to say that Maria-sama is watching. She says she's sorry, that she never meant to hurt me, that she could never find the right time to tell me, but it is too late. The ice around my heart that had been melted for such a brief time is once again becoming hardened and frozen.

This time I don't run away, I simply turn and walk slowly out of that house of God that once provided me with such peace and contentment. Now it is only a hollow shell, much like my heart. It echoes with the quiet sobs of a girl that I once knew and loved, but who is now lost to my past. As I close the door behind me, I know that am also closing the door on love. I have had enough. It hurts too much and I never want to put myself through that ever again.

I tried to go back to my old life but closing off your heart is not as easy as it sounds. I was still rebuilding my walls, but my onee-sama and Youko were doing their best to try to tear them down as fast as I could put them up. They kept dragging me into the doings of the Yamayurikai, but what little effort I put into it was now performed half-heartedly at best. My schoolwork took the same nosedive as the rest of my life. I just couldn't find it in myself to put forth the effort. What was the use? My straight A's quickly became D's and F's.

My slipping grades finally came to the notice of the administration and I was called into the Academy Director's office to explain myself. When they had the temerity to try to blame Shiori, I almost lost it. Even though she had hurt me, even though she had broken my heart, I could not let her take the blame for my own failings. I told them it was not Shiori's fault, that it was all my own and that I would do better. Surprisingly, they said that Shiori had said the same thing; that it was not my fault that her own grades had slipped, but that it was her own. Even apart we were thinking of and watching out for each other.

I left the Academy Director's office with a stern warning and went immediately in search of Shiori. Of course, I found her in the Chapel. She knew that I would come looking for her after her own stint in the Director's office and went to the one place where she knew I could find her. Remembering our last meeting in that solemn edifice I took her by the hand and we walked along the cobbled paths of Lillian. I made a quick decision and asked her to run away with me, to forget becoming a nun and to simply be by my side. Shiori agreed to meet me later that evening at the train station after she had packed her things.

I arrived at the train station a little before the appointed time and waited . . . and waited . . . and waited. One hour passed, then two, then three hours. I knew that she was not coming, for whatever reason she had decided that she could not go through with our plan, but I could not give up on that last lingering hope. Not until my onee-sama touched my shoulder and placed a finger under my chin, raising my tear stained face to look into her eyes. She told me that Shiori had stopped her and asked her to come in her stead. She handed me a letter that Shiori had written to try to explain her decision to leave at once and enter into a convent. She told me that Shiori had come to the station to tell me herself, but had determined that if she looked into my eyes she would have been unable to go through with what she knew she had to do.

When she was finished speaking my onee-sama took me into her arms where I finally let loose my sobs of despair. She told me how sorry she was, but let me know that she would always be there for me and that there was someone else that had been worried sick over me. I looked over her shoulder to see Youko standing at the bottom of the platform stairs, tears in her own eyes as she watched me with my onee-sama. I gathered myself together and walked slowly over to the one girl that had always seemed to be looking out for me; the one girl that seemed to care about me. Onee-sama told me that it was Youko that got Shiori to write the letter for me knowing that I wouldn't believe if I did not see it in her own hand. I took her in my arms and gave her a quick hug, whispering my apologies for making her worry. She hit me in the shoulder telling me that I _should_ be sorry. I gave her a quirky smile and took her hand and the three of us walked out of the station and back to the Rose Mansion.

It was Christmas Eve and I had missed the Yamayurikai's Christmas party. When we heard the bells toll midnight both Youko and Onee-sama wished me a happy birthday. I couldn't help but laugh. Christmas and my birthday would never be the same.

That year, over the winter break, I cut my long blonde hair and reaffirmed my decision never to fall in love again; to never put my heart in such jeopardy again. It was obvious that my previous cool, lone wolf persona had not been enough to save me, so I decided to take a one hundred and eighty degree turn and become the happy-go-lucky, outgoing and flirty Sei Satou. Maybe, if it seemed that I really didn't care about anyone but myself, people would think twice before trying to get too close. I know that Youko immediately saw through my plan, but she was kind enough not to say anything about it. I knew that she would continue to watch over me throughout our remaining years at Lillian and, to a certain degree, I counted on that oversight to keep my new character out of trouble.

My heart was still in agony but it wouldn't be many more months before I met someone else that could actually begin to help me with the healing process. She was a beautiful, quiet, young lady with wavy dark blonde hair and a smile that could put a saint's to shame. Her heart was so serene that I knew that I could abide there for a while without any discomfort; that we could quietly watch over each other from a distance, offering and receiving only what we needed without infringing on the other's personal space.

I first met her under the falling petals of the lone cherry tree behind the education building the next spring. She stood there in the afternoon sunlight, eyes closed and arms raised as if to embrace the entirety of the tree in worship. She reminded me of a tree spirit come to life. I knew as soon as I saw her that this girl would become my petite soeur. When she turned and finally acknowledged my presence, her smiling eyes cut though me like a knife. Like Youko, she had the ability to see straight through to my soul and somehow did not find me wanting. The mask I had so painfully built was torn away like a flimsy spider web under her gaze, but she only smiled and held out her hand, offering her own heart and trust with an ease that astounded me. Her acceptance of my rosary was a foregone conclusion. To this day I am not sure whether I offered it to her or whether she asked it of me. Nor does it really matter.

I had no idea that she had just recently turned down the offer of the Rosa Chinensis en Bouton's rosary but it didn't surprise me when I did find out. The two of them would never have made a decent pairing. What they each had to offer was not what the other needed. What she could offer to me though was the peace and joyful love of life I needed to help regain my equilibrium; the ability to successfully interact with humanity that I thought I had lost forever. What I could offer to her was the strength of the hardships I had endured, the experience of knowing how to bounce back from adversity, and the acceptance of exactly who and what she was without reservation and without judgment.

I knew she had a secret of her own that she kept close to her heart, but I made sure that she received what comfort and strength she needed. Ironically, she thought she wanted to become a nun, but I already knew differently. It wasn't in her, but I wasn't going to be the one to tell her that. I knew she would find out in her own way, in her own time, and that was enough.

With Shimako I was able to start to be happy again, content to live my life within the Yamayurikai and at least _start_ to care more than I currently did.

And then in early fall a short, young first-year student, with brown hair done up in pigtails held by ribbons and with the largest and most honest brown eyes I had ever seen, stepped through the meeting room door of the Rose Mansion and I somehow knew my life was going to dramatically change once again.

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Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. Please review and/or comment. It's one of the big reason's we are all here and we cannot get better without your help. Take care and best wishes to you all.

CelticX


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